


the sun’s shining (yet it feels like a stormy day)

by diazsbuckaroo



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bobby Nash Acting as Evan "Buck" Buckley's Parental Figure, Buck can’t save the day, Buddie fluff, Caring Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Fluff, M/M, Mentioned Firehouse 118 Crew (9-1-1 TV), Non-Canon Relationship, Protective Bobby Nash, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Supportive Bobby Nash, Supportive Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), The 118 responds to a car crash, Upset Evan "Buck" Buckley, car crash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:01:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26706391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diazsbuckaroo/pseuds/diazsbuckaroo
Summary: “You did everything you could for her Buck. You did your best.”“No I didn’t. If I did, she’d still be alive, I-I failed-““No you didn’t, Buck.”—or—A call goes the wrong way for Buck and he can’t shake the guilt and sadness.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Kudos: 71





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for all support on my other fics!!!
> 
> kudos on this one and all of them ALWAYS appreciated 🥰

The way the blood streaming down on her face shined in the early morning sunshine.

The way her ribs cracked underneath Buck’s palm as he pressed down on her chest every 30 seconds.

The way Bobby’s repetition of his name hung in his ears even though his brain didn’t register the word. 

“No, I can’t stop. I can’t give up on her.” 

The feeling of Eddie’s hand resting on his left shoulder as he dropped the bag he held to her mouth while Buck did compressions. 

Buck had to make the harsh, difficult realization that she was gone. 

He had to realize the compressions he was doing couldn’t help this woman. 

He had to realize that he needed to stop.

——————-

Buck pulled his hands off the woman, running a hand through his dirty blonde curly hair in an attempt to calm himself down, trying to prevent from crying and hyperventilating.

It was no use. 

“Buck,” Eddie tried to sympathize calmly, yet a small shake in his voice seemed to appear when he witnessed Buck crumble to the pavement in tears, taking both palms to his eyes as a shield. 

A car crash.

A truck collided with her SUV head-on on the freeway.

Who was at fault, Buck didn’t know. And he didn’t care. No matter whose fault this horrific crash was, no one deserved to die in it.

The air Buck gasped between cries was cool and fresh in his lungs, a comfortable 70° for an LA September morning. It felt strangely good in his lungs, all the more making him cry. 

“You did everything you could for her Buck. You did your best.” Bobby grabbed onto Buck’s right shoulder and gave it a tender squeeze. 

“No I didn’t. If I did, she’d still be alive, I-I failed-“ 

“No you didn’t, Buck.” Eddie tried to keep his tone light, even though he was upset that Buck would even think that. 

Buck’s waterboarded blue eyes locked in on the woman whom Hen and Chimney loaded into the back of the ambulance. 

“Fetal heart rate is still steady.” Hen announced.

“How long can this baby survive without the mother alive?” Chimney whispered to Hen, carefully keeping an eye on Buck. Buck still heard every word spoken. 

He sat on the road with Eddie and Bobby still beside, cheeks overflowing with tears so much it dripped onto his uniform shirt. 

“Not long which is why we have to go. Wait,” Hen paused with the stethoscope on the woman’s abdomen. “I lost the fetal pulse.” 

“Okay, let’s get bands and monitors on her belly, and to the hospital quickly.” 

Buck lost it again, hearing the words “I lost the fetal pulse” come out of Hen’s mouth made him bust into a million pieces inside. 

She died alone. By the ring on her left finger Buck assumed she was married. That man was out there, minding his own business and carrying on per usual all the while not knowing he lost his wife and possibly their baby.

Buck felt almost obligated to tell him about what happened- he shot up from the pavement in a hurry with tears still flowing down his face, running towards her smashed up beyond repair car. He jumped in the front seat, rifling through anything and everything she had.

“Buck!” Eddie chased after him. “Buck, what are you doing?!” 

“You saw the ring, right?” He glanced to his left as his hands fiddled through her drivers seat visor. “The ring, on her finger. You saw it right?” He repeated.

“Yeah, and what about it?” Eddie watched everything he did, confused beyond belief. 

“She’s married. Somewhere out there is her husband, he-he needs to know what happened.” 

“Buck, that’s a job for Athena and the LAPD. Not you, a firefighter.” Eddie rested his hand on Buck’s wrist in an effort to try to stop him from whatever he was doing. He shook it off.

“We don’t even know her name, Eddie! That’s what I’m trying to find out, any paper or anything that can tell us.” He whipped his head around to stare his fellow firefighter dead in the eyes while they continued to drip tears, his nose sniffing back as much as possible. 

“Okay,” Eddie took a breath. Buck was panicking, clearly upset and broken-hearted, the least Eddie could do was help the man with whatever he needed- emotionally and physically. “Um… her purse!” Eddie spotted a brown leather bag in the backseat when he glanced that way. 

“Perfect!” Buck said with a breath of relief. “Okay,” He reached back and searched through it, finding her iPhone in the front pocket. 

“Buckley! Diaz!” Both guys turned around in a flash, their captain with a clear frown, running their way. “What the hell are you two doing? I go to help Chim and Hen for 1 second and you guys are off doing god knows wh-“ 

“Cap.” Eddie interrupted, acting like a barrier between angry Cap and hurt and frantic Buck. “Buck saw she had a wedding ring on, and all he wants to do is ID her, find her husband so we can talk to him.” 

“That is not our job Eddie.” 

“I know, I tried telling him that but he wouldn’t listen.” Bobby rolled his eyes. “Bobby, Buck’s broken, and really shook up over this.” He whispered just so Buck wouldn’t overhear. “Just let him do this one thing, please.” Bobby glanced over Eddie’s shoulder, observing Buck trying every password combination to get the phone to unlock. Every unsuccessful try there was a 4- letter swear word that came out his mouth. Bobby’s heart was slightly breaking watching Buck spiral into sadness like this. 

“Okay.” He sighed. “But if he can’t get the phone open, we leave it to the-“ 

“Yes!” Buck cheered, glumly however. “Finally.”   
The phone was unlocked, after typing 4202. It was a strange combination, he knows, but maybe it meant something to her, like a date or event. At that point when he typed in those numbers, he was just trying anything. Both Eddie and Bobby walked back over to Buck, watching him scroll through her phone contacts over his shoulder. He basically clicked on any name that could be a man’s, hoping she had put “husband” under his contact information. 

“Okay wait I got something.” He paused to watch the ambulance in front of him drive away, with Hen and Chim in the back with her. “Matt Davidson. It says husband under relationship. Can I call him?” He stared up at a his captain with puppy dog eyes. 

“Yes, okay.” 

“Thank you Bobby, I’ll be- I’ll be right back.” He jogged off to an area that seemed to be quiet and calm. Buck took a minute to collect his emotions and thoughts, running words of “Hi, is this Matt? I’m calling about your wife….” through his brain before clicking “call”.


	2. two

“Hey honey what’s up-“

“Ummm...hi, is this Matt?” Buck cautiously spoke.

“Yes this is…..wait, who’s this? Why do you have my wife’s phone?” Matt questioned, slightly breaking Buck’s heart even more because of what he had to say next. 

“My name’s Buc-Evan Buckley, I’m a LAFD firefighter. Your wife was in a serious accident on the 710 freeway this morning.” Buck spoke with clear remorse. 

“Oh my god, is she okay? Oh my god, our baby.” The man’s voice shook. 

“Could-can you meet us at UCLA medical center?” 

“Of course, um, I work about an hour away so I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Matt hung up, Buck’s eyes producing tears once again. Eddie ran back to his side, throwing his arm around him. Bobby followed behind him. 

“He’s gonna meet us at the hospital.” 

“No, he’s gonna meet you. We gotta get back to the station but I want you to go there and stay. You and Eddie.” He rested his hand on Buck’s arm. 

“Cap, are you sure?”

“Yes, we’ll all go to the station but then Eddie’s gonna drive you to UCLA.” He nodded in Eddie’s direction, Eddie nodding “yes” back. Buck scanned the men’s faces. “Hen, Chim, and I got the rest of your two’s shifts, I mean you’re off in 3 hours anyways, so just go. Call me after okay?”

“Of course Cap, thank you.” 

——————

Driving to UCLA medical was…..rough on Buck, slumping in the front seat of Eddie’s pick up, fist propping his head up as he got lost in his own thoughts. 

“Buckaroo, you okay?”

“Okay?” Buck scoffed. “Yeah, I’m peachy. You know, having to tell a man his wife died and his baby probably will too is just what I wanted to do today.” Sarcasm lingered longly in his tone. “Has Hen called yet with an update?”

“No, nothing, sorry.” 

“Dammit.” 

“We’ll be there in like 5 minutes, we’ll find out soon.” Eddie moved his right palm from the steering wheel and onto Buck’s knee. 

“I-I-I just-“

“I know, I know.”

“Thank you for driving me.” Buck sniffled. 

“Anytime.”

————-

“Hen!” Buck ran through each and every person that stood between him and Hen, who was by the glass doors outside, Chim beside. “How’s the baby?” 

“Buck,” She placed her hands on his lovingly, Eddie finally catching up behind and joining in on the conversation. “Her baby girl didn’t make it.” 

Chimney and Hen could see Buck’s heart shatter at the words she said. 

Obviously the last thing Hen wanted to do was tell Buck more bad news, adding on to his already challenging day

“The doctors tried to remove the baby, but she was only 18 weeks old, too young to survive outside of the womb. I’m sorry to tell you this Buckaroo.” She pulled him into a warm hug as Chimney walked past to the ambulance, rubbing the middle of his back and waving bye to Eddie. Hen released her grip, wiped away a tear from Buck’s cheek before leaving as well.

Eddie took over comforting Buck as they headed into the ER doors.

“Hi,” Eddie caught the attention of the charge nurse, standing at the nurse’s station. “We’re firefighters for the LAFD 118, we brought in the pregnant woman. We just wanted to let you know her husband is on his way.”

“Yes, your fellow firefighters told me, thank you. We’re keeping her in a room until he arrives.” She gave both guys a smile, even though Buck wasn’t looking to see it. 

“Thank you.” Eddie guided the both away from the desk and to the cold, plastic ER waiting room chairs they know all too well. 

“All of this….the emotions, the guilt, the remorse….. just brings me back to Devin.” Buck spoke tenderly, quite enough to not be overheard but loud enough for Eddie to heat.

“The roller coaster guy you told me about?” Eddie raised his brow.

“Yeah, he was the first one I lost. Today, I just- I was the one that rescued her from that car, Eddie. I pulled her out and she was alive, I told her she would be okay. Instead the moment I lay her down on the pavement I lost her pulse. But when I saw her belly and realized she was pregnant I-I just wanted to do everything I could do help her and that baby.” 

“And you did, Buck, you did. Just know that.”

“I don’t feel like it though.”

“It never does when it ends like this.” 

“I’ve lost people before but somehow this just hits differently, you know? I think it’s ‘cause I’m usually the one who rescues, pulls people from the danger, not who does all the medical stuff. You, Hen, and Chim always take over and I just watch. But she knew me, she trusted me and I knew I had to uphold that trust by being the one who saved her life, the one who stayed by her side at her most vulnerable. I failed.” 

“Buck, you can’t blame yourself, you’re going to kill yourself thinking that, trust me. And I’m sure Cap, Hen, and Chimney can tell you the same exact thing. Guilt will eat you alive if you let it, it’s that strong.” He sighed. “You were there for when she and her baby needed you the most. You, did everything you could have. You were her hero even though she wasn’t able to live to tell you.” 

Buck zeroed in on Eddie’s compassionate brown eyes, how they sparkled the fluorescent hospital lighting and how adoringly and warmly they stared back at him. He cleared his throat, swallowing the hard lump in his throat as he swept a hand over his face. Too much crying in one day for him.

“Hello, I’m Matt Davidson,” Buck’s head shot up from peering downwards at the title floor as he heard that name being spoken to a nurse. “A firefighter told me to meet him and my wife here. Her name’s Kendra Davidson.” Buck stood from his chair, moving the hand of Eddie’s that lay on his arm. Eddie hung back at his seat, yet still attentive to the conversation about to go down. 

Buck stuck his hands in his pocket as he walked. “Hi, um, Mr. Davidson, I’m Firefighter Buckley- Evan.” He was always the worst- awkward, shy, timid- at telling family about their loss, but he figured it should come from his mouth and not the mouth of a random doctor. “I was with your wife- Kendra- at the scene.” 

“Oh yeah, Hi Evan. Is Kendra okay? Can I see her?” His eyes switched between Buck and the nurse, who Buck gave a nod to signaling he’s got this. She took the hint, nodding back and walking away. 

“Mr. Davidson, your wife passed away at the crash site, due to her injuries suffered. 2 of my colleagues brought her here to try and remove the baby from her womb.”

“Oh my god. My-my-my baby.” 

“She didn’t survive either, she was only 18 weeks which is too soon to survive outside of the womb.” Buck explained with growing tears. Mr Davidson fell, caving into his grief and onto his knees in horrific cries. Buck caught him by the arm on his way down, the screams nearly killing him and everyone around them. 

He’d be hearing those for a while.


	3. three

“I just want to go home. Lay in bed.” Buck blankly stared out the window of Eddie’s truck as they drove home- to the station, that is. Bobby, Hen, and Chim were already off shift, technically Buck and Eddie were and had been for hours and hours now. 

His head slumped to the right, resting against the glass as cars whizzed past, a frown growing on his face while he tried to contain his tears from starting again. 

“Aren’t you hungry Buckaroo? We could stop for some sub sandwiches or I could make you something.” Eddie comforted- or at least tried to. 

“I’m not.” Buck’s stubborn monotone reminded Eddie of Christopher, how obstinate and picky he could get when he too was upset. Okay, maybe Eddie was the same way.

“Buck, come on, you have to eat. You haven’t eaten since Cap made pancakes this morning.”

“I said I’m not hungry, Eddie!” He snapped, exhaustion, despair, grief, and anger getting the best of his tone and thoughts, which Eddie understood. 

“Okay.” Eddie backed off. 

“I mean, how can I eat- go about my daily life- when that man is forced to mourn the loss of basically his whole family. I can’t stop hearing those screams. The way they’re like embedded in my brain, I just can’t shake it.” 

“Buck, you’ll get through it, it just takes time. You want me to stay with you tonight? I’m sure Carla won’t mind spending the night with Chris and-“

“No, go home to your son, thanks though.” He insisted.

“At least let me drive you home. You can’t drive when you’re this upset. Please.” Eddie tried to bargain. “I can pick you up for our shift tomorrow morning then.” 

Buck nodded in agreement. 

He stayed silent the entire ride to his loft, only giving his work partner a quick, short hug in the car before leaving the truck and entering his home. 

——————

He didn’t want to do anything- not shower, not cook, nothing. 

Buck didn’t even want to turn on his TV, though he told himself he could use the distraction from his intrusive thoughts. 

Mindlessly scrolling through his social media feeds didn’t seem to excite him either, same with playing a video game.

  
  


He just felt like sitting and sulking. 

Maybe sleeping. Sleeping sounded nice.

Whether it was the energy he didn’t have, or the energy he didn’t feel like spending, Buck sat at his kitchen table, a beer that he managed to take from the fridge in his grasp.

He glanced behind him at the oven. 

7:58 pm.

Okay, so it wasn’t even that late. Yet this day felt as if 80 hours had gone by and he was beyond tired and drained.

Ding.

Buck’s eyes moved down towards the table where his phone sat, and picked it up. 

1 new message, from Eddie.

Eddie, 7:59 pm: You doin’ okay?

Buck moved his thumbs to the keyboard. 

Buck, 7:59 pm: Why do you keep asking me that? I’m fine.

That was an obvious lie, one Eddie scoffed at when he read. 

Eddie, 8:00 pm: You’re not fine, Buck.

He typed out a moderately nasty text, one he knew would upset Eddie and that was the last thing he wanted to do- blow off steam at the one person who didn’t deserve a single bit of it, the one person who was at his side through it all today. 

He didn’t answer the message. 

Maddie always told him, “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything.” 

Buck slumped back in his chair, running a hand across his face. He needed a shower, he wanted a shower, it would help his mood. 

He practically dragged himself off the chair and up the stairs- which, days like these made him regret renting an apartment with so many f-ing stairs. 

_ A shower is what I need. _

He kept repeating to himself when the strong desire to plop onto his bed made him think twice. 

_ A shower is what I need.  _

——————-

“Buckaroo.” Eddie’s soft, familiar voice seemed to be the key that opened Buck’s eyes the next morning, bright and early at 7:00. 

“Eddie? Wh-what are you doing here?” He hazily looked up at his best friend, who was already dressed in their navy blue LAFD uniform. 

“Came here to check on you.” He whipped the sheets off of him, showcasing Buck’s blue boxers that Eddie couldn’t help but stare at. “And remind you we have a shift at 9. Plus your car’s at the station so I have to drive you regardless. I texted but you didn’t reply so I figured you were asleep.” He focused back on Buck’s face. “Bobby told me I could tell you to stay home but I know that would only drive you more crazy and upset.” 

“Ho-how’d you get-“

“Copy of your key, silly. Now get up, go get dressed. I picked up breakfast for you, cause I doubt your stubborn ass ate anything last night.” Buck watched Eddie walk to his closet and dresser drawers, pulling out a clean uniform and a pair of boxers for him, like Buck was his son and he was taking care of him. “I got some IHOP pancakes. God bless curbside pickup.” He tossed the clothes at Buck’s chest as he sat up in bed. 

“Eddie,” Buck paused. “Thank you.” Eddie smiled while he sat on the side of the bed, resting a gentle touch on Buck’s thigh that Buck swore made his heart skip a beat. 

“You have such a kind heart, Buck, the way you care for anyone and everyone with such love…...well, you deserve that love in return. Which is why I’m here.”

“I’m sorry for being so short with you yesterday.” 

“You were upset and distraught, you had every right to be. Don’t worry about it.” He stood up from the mattress and turned to walk downstairs, when a thought caught his attention, enough to turn around back to Buck. “You’ll move on from this, Buck, I know you will. But your heart will always hold onto that woman, her baby, everyone else you lost and will lose. It’s just who you are.”

Buck sat on his bed, carefully watching Eddie disappear downstairs. 

Sighing, his lips formed a slight smile. 

His heart beat a little faster, his head spinning with those words, “it’s just who you are” and his mind mentally picturing the kind smile he gave him.

Buck needed someone to say something like that to him, to help him perk up and move on. Today was a new day, a new shift at the firehouse, and he needed to come to terms with the fact that he can’t change the past even though he wanted to so badly. Eddie made that a little easier.

Count this as another day he was grateful for Eddie Diaz.


End file.
